Tired of the trade period? So are we. To lighten the mood, here are six trades we'd like to see before next Friday's deadline.
1. Matt Spangher (Hawthorn) to GWS
The Giants, having cruelly missed out on Buddy Franklin, throw the big bucks at the next best thing: his Hawthorn understudy. "We need senior bodies and Matt fits the bill," GWS coach Leon Cameron tells the media, before adding: "Besides, he couldn't possibly make us any worse." Spangher signs a five-year, $9 million contract and moves to Western Sydney, where reported visions of Jesus subsequently rise by 1000 per cent. In return, the Hawks are granted first choice of the next crop of Victorians who demand to be traded home, with the proviso that Matt Spangher definitely does not count.
2. Kade Simpson (Carlton) and Nick Malceski (Sydney) to West Coast
Continuing their bold strategy of cultivating a side made up of the AFL's best beards, worst haircuts and most frequently injured players, the Eagles swoop on Simpson and Malceski and offer them free tattooing, cushy off-season mining jobs and unlimited access to Sharrod Wellingham's trampoline. The Swans, eager to get a key forward on every line, receive Jack Darling in return and immediately set about turning him into a specialist tagger. The Blues, who have launched a recruiting drive for 'rat pack' personalities, take Murray Newman and a pick, to be later spent on the draft's biggest 17-year-old bogan.
3. Jarrad Grant (Western Bulldogs) to North Melbourne
North, desperate to milk Majak Daw for all he's worth, recruit Grant with the aim of pairing him with Daw in a semi-fictional TV show about odd-couple key forwards who kick goals and solve crime. Grant plays the sensitive soul with book smarts who always ends up friend-zoned by the women in his life, while Daw is the streetwise, smooth-talking hustler with a heart of gold. Together they teach each other life lessons, stay one step ahead of the city brass and occasionally turn in mediocre performances for the Roos. The cash-strapped Bulldogs forgo a player in return for a cut of the ad revenue, only for Channel Ten to run the buddy comedy for a fortnight, turf it to a "brand new time!" at 11pm and then replace it altogether with reruns of The Project.
4. Karmichael Hunt (Gold Coast) to Fremantle
The Dockers, furthering their quest to turn football into rugby, start getting literal with the acquisition of Karmichael Hunt. Ross Lyon gives the new addition a book of clichés to memorise and answers all follow-up questions from a perplexed Hunt with the same answer: "Pressure." Gold Coast, having once gambled and lost on Dream Team dynamite Greg Broughton, are naturally suspicious of Fremantle's first offer (Kepler Bradley and a bag of chips). Wisely, they negotiate up to Alex Silvagni and a promise from Ryan Crowley that he will be nicer to Gary Ablett from now on.
5. Jake King (Richmond) to Essendon
Still convinced they need to bulk up their players to compete with the likes of Collingwood, West Coast and Hawthorn, the Bombers get the push-up king on board as a player-slash-performance-manager. Privately, Essendon interim coach Mark Thompson worries that King's best days as a footballer are behind him, but reckons his connection to Bandidos boss Toby Mitchell could still be useful. The Tigers ask for Bombers rookie Ariel Steinberg in return, to add to their collection of footballers with terrible first names (Kamdyn Mcintosh, Robin Nahas, Gideon Simon, Orren Stephenson, Cadeyn Williams, Tyrone Vickery). As a gesture of good faith Essendon throw in the leftover contents of Stephen Dank's fridge.
6. Joffa (Collingwood) to Carlton
Magpies man Joffa has had a gutful of Nathan Buckley, Eddie McGuire and the wowser brigade taking over Collingwood. He's pining for the good old days under slick Mick, when flags were won, players were bastards and nobody gave a damn as long as Caroline Wilson kept her trap shut. The Magpies, though reluctant to part ways with their gold-jacketed superfan, ship him off to Carlton to be reunited with Malthouse, David Buttifant and Dale Thomas. In return, the Blues send a year's supply of Mars bars to Victoria Park (Paul Seedsman needs to bulk up) along with all the photos of Megan Gale that Shaun Hampson left in his locker.
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