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NRL grand final wish list

Harold Holt
There was no porch lamp, but at least there was a greeting party
Photo Source: Getty Images

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Keith Urban helps the crowd find their voice
The NRL's grand final entertainment is rarely wrong, but Keith Urban is a shocking choice after they knocked the ball out of the park with Cold Chisel last year.

The crowd is none too pleased by his middle-of-the-road country fare and they don't wait to voice their displeasure, booing right over the top of his performance and warming up their vocal cords for when the referees enter the arena some time later. When Urban's disastrous performance is finished the crowd finally goes silent, with wife Nicole Kidman left as the only person in the arena clapping.

Angry Iceland fans take their clap back
After that disastrous introduction to proceedings is set aside, the players take to the field and the action gets underway. As Cronulla begin their first attacking play their fans get involved in the action, starting up the 'Shark Clap'. The crowd, still significantly full of aggrieved Raiders fans who were sure they were going to make the final, try to silence the Sharks cheer squad for appropriating their trademark. Just as chaos in the stand between the bickering fans reaches fever pitch, hundreds of rogue Iceland soccer fans arrive armed with fish and start slapping Canberra and Cronulla supporters left, right and centre. Out of respect, both groups agree they should try to think of something original.

Origin passion reaches fever pitch
It isn't often that we see the NSW and Queensland captains meet in a grand final, so we expect there to be a bit of extra heat in the contest. Sharks skipper Paul Gallen hasn't beaten Melbourne captain Cameron Smith at club level since 2008. While Cronulla have beaten the Storm twice since then, Gallen has been absent both times. We already know there is no love lost between the state rivals and Gal never needs too much provocation to start a fight. We expect to see this pair go toe-to-toe frequently throughout the contest, and it may be that both sides will be missing their captains at the start of next season.

Sharknado strikes
Global warming has given us plenty of freak weather occurrences recently, but a Storm-Sharks grand final sees life imitate art as the warmer sea temperatures around Sydney contribute to a Sharknado. As a huge waterspout starts dragging white pointers out of the harbour, a number come crashing through the roof of the NRL bunker to savagely destroy everyone inside and rule out any referrals for the entire game. The referees are forced to make all the calls out on the field and we get a better, controversy-free grand final as a result.

Harold Holt re-emerges from the sea
The strange meteorological conditions that cause Australia's first ever Sharknado also have one further side effect, dragging Australia's 17th prime minister from an underground lair where he has been secretly working for the Chinese government monitoring communications for the better part of 50 years. Back at the Portsea beach where he went missing all those years ago, Holt, in surprisingly good health for someone aged 108, is disappointed that no one has left a porch lamp on for his arrival. Meanwhile, back at ANZ Stadium with Jack Gibson's prophecy fulfilled, the Sharks manage to snatch the first title in their 50-year history.

A name we never hear again
Colourful gambling identity and former brothel owner (or whatever else you want to call him) Eddie Hayson is one of the people completely taken aback by the result. He had gathered every dollar he had and laid it on a Storm win and is seen crying in the stands as he realises he has lost it all. With nothing left, he disappears into obscurity and we never hear of him again and rugby league is the better for it.

What would you like to see happen in Sunday's NRL grand final? Have your say in the comments section below.

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